I Double-Check Hotel Reservations. Jeff Bezos Rented Venice

Every summer, without fail, I go through the sacred ritual of booking a vacation. And by vacation, I mean two and a half days in a hotel room that may or may not smell like wet towels, in a city I pretend to enjoy because it’s not my apartment.

The booking process is, of course, a spiritual test. I open ten tabs. Compare prices like I’m buying stock options. Read reviews written by people named Carol from Ohio who complain about "the lack of vegan options in rural Cappadocia."

I sweat over whether "breakfast included" means a buffet or a stale croissant in a plastic bag. I zoom into pixelated photos to assess if the "sea view" is an actual view of the sea or just a puddle reflecting the sky.

And just as I’m about to commit my precious annual leave to this glorified Airbnb, I read the news:

Jeff Bezos rented Venice.

Not a venue. Not a hotel. Venice. The city. The floating miracle of the Renaissance. Booked. Blocked. Bezos’d.

Sorry, This City Has Been Temporarily Reserved By a Billionaire

Bezos and Lauren Sánchez are getting married and decided they didn’t just want a venue. They wanted geopolitical presence. So they rented an entire island in Venice.

San Giorgio Maggiore? Gone.

Public access? Denied.

Locals? Relocated. Probably to the mainland. Possibly with a complimentary tote bag.

Water taxis were rerouted. Gondolas rebranded. Even pigeons were told to take PTO.

This man didn’t just block a street. He blocked centuries of culture, art, and daily life for what I can only assume is a reception that includes foie gras and "space-themed" party favors.

Meanwhile, I’m still unsure if my hotel will have a bidet or just a mysterious hose next to the toilet.

Venice: Now Available in Bezos Prime

Let’s talk numbers:

• My summer travel budget: $600 and an existential crisis

• Average Turkish hotel night: $115, no AC, view of a parking lot

• Jeff Bezos’s wedding venue: an entire historic island, approx. $15 million

You know when Booking.com says, "This property was booked 7 times in the last 24 hours"? Apparently, that includes the city of Venice.

And here I am, afraid to click "Confirm Reservation" in case my credit card cries.

The New Normal: Renting Landmarks

This isn’t a wedding. This is a Marvel-level crossover event between wealth and absurdity.

What's next?

• Elon Musk leases the Colosseum to host an AI gladiator battle?

• Zuckerberg books Machu Picchu for a silent meditation retreat with drones?

• Bill Gates reserves the entire Eiffel Tower just to eat a sandwich in peace?

Meanwhile, I’m trying to decide if it’s cheaper to fly or just quit my job and walk.

Conclusion From a Bed With No Headboard

This summer, like every summer, I will stay in a modest hotel where the curtains don’t quite close and the shower pressure is just a light mist.

I will avoid minibar charges like they’re radioactive. I will spend 20 minutes trying to figure out how to turn on the air conditioner. I will ask the receptionist if I can check out 30 minutes late and feel like I’m asking for state secrets.

And in the back of my mind, one thought will echo:

"If Venice is rentable... is anything sacred anymore?"

Answer: No. But at least my room comes with a complimentary instant coffee packet. That’s something, right?